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Yours is statistically guaranteed to end three years sooner than that really attractive woman’s, the one who recently moved in across the street and is home a mere 32 percent of the week.

Of the 16 occasions you’ve peered through your blinds and noticed her walking to her car, she is on the phone with her boyfriend 53 percent of the time and there’s an 91.5 percent chance that it’s serious.

and Seth) have sent a combined two emails to your girlfriend this month, totaling about 2,200 words, both of which have gone 100 percent unmentioned.

The aforementioned emails were placed in a folder marked “,” which actually contains 26 messages you’ve never seen, 23 of which would immediately increase your base paranoia by 87 percent.

However, if you just order of Chinese takeout like you did last weekend, projections show a 16.8 percent drop in possible intercourse and a whopping 74.2 percent upswing in Netflix-streaming, with both of you falling asleep long before the movie is over.

In an exit poll from Monday evening, exactly one half of the duo in attendance said they had an unfavorable opinion of the chosen restaurant—Arby’s—wondering if it was some sort of retribution, or if this is sadly what it’s come to. tonight, there was a 77.1 percent increase in annoyance and a 54 percent rise in revulsion based on the way you slurped your capellini, drank 65 percent too much wine and prattled on about your ex-girlfriend Sarah for some reason, even though she has a new boyfriend with a sailboat, and you’ve supposedly moved on, too.

There is a 97 percent chance you’ll listen to the song at least 20 times.

who refused to apply labels to relationships and wanted to “keep things loose.” Of the seven ex-boyfriends listed above, two of them (Andrew R.

The logic here is that you are 44 percent over Sarah after 3 years, but there is only a 3.6 percent chance of her taking you back, which is reduced by nearly half of a percentage point every time she steps foot on that boat.

In a very local poll released just this week, 50 percent of those in your current relationship said it bothers them when you leave your shoes in the middle of the carpet and added that, if you could clean a dirty dish or two—putting in a minimal effort of just 5 minutes—stress would be reduced by 39 percent, along with a telling 54 percent decrease in shouting matches and escalating threats to leave forever.

Although 0.0 percent of your mutual friends were willing to say anything, 93.9 percent of them saw this coming from the start.

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